𐃯 Pt 9. Diary of an Awakening Woman

My mother line ends and the hunger begins...

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”My life force and soul were trying
to move me towards one world.
My wounds were keeping me
attached to another.”

My new boyfriend was now nursing a stonker of a hangover.

“I’m so sorry about last night” he said.

He had such a charming authenticity about him, an innocence and a vulnerability that made it hard to get angry with him.

But I was angry. I felt hurt and disrespected.

I knew deep down the friend he went out with the night before had deliberately encouraged him to get blind drunk to sabotage our first weekend together and I didn’t want him to win.

So I stayed and made excuses for Noah rather than tell him how I really felt and then head straight back home.

The thing is I already loved him and I wanted this to work.

He represented a safety and kindness I had not experienced before. I thought we could build something good together, have a life.

Maybe I just needed to forgive him this one slip up, give him the benefit of the doubt, he was probably just nervous, right?

We hadn’t been seeing each for long. Maybe things would improve.

And right there was my first small self-abandonment.

It would not be my last.

I was excited about building a new life, particularly after several dark years recovering from the death of my mother, the subsequent spiritual emergency, a breakdown, Shamanic initiations and illness.

I now felt strong, independent and free.

I had a plan; get the jobs I had applied for in Totnes (my local mini Glastonbury), find a way to start offering Reiki and Readings as a self-employed practitioner and then move to Totnes and make it my home.

Totnes was my favourite place. Mum knew it. She would take me there when I was younger if I started getting stressed. I fitted in with my arty clothes and psychic gifts. It was my spiritual home where I could be me.

So the little blips with Noah didn’t really worry me because I had my own life, my own plans, my own car, I was living at my Nan’s and she had agreed to let me stay there for as long as I needed to as I got my new life together.

I was debt-free, fit, healthy, feeling strong in my body and my sexual energy after years of healing.

So I wasn’t feeling trapped, I was choosing him, I was choosing a relationship with him, warts and all. I mean, I was far from perfect myself!

After 8 months of doing other temporary work I finally heard back from both the spiritual bookshop and the colour therapy school in Totnes I had reached out to for work. I got both jobs! The only two places I had reached out to. It was all starting to come together. I was so happy.

After so much turbulence and trauma in my life I longed for stability, I yearned to be able to trust the good when it arrived.

Could I really plan a life and have it happen? Finally?

I was convincing myself I could. Trying to stay positive. But deep down I knew. Beneath all the affirming and visualising I could sense something dark approaching…